Arrival
Ok, so I've been in England for a few hours now... it's alright so far, but I'm really too tired still to enjoy it to the fullest. Regardless... I'm here and ready to sleep. Then I'll be ready for more. :)

The trip was a bit of trouble from the get-go. I woke up late at home, roughly a half hour after I wanted to leave, and hadn't even packed yet... so I really had to scramble. Having scrambled well enough, I was off to BWI. I had planned to stop at my brother's place since he's so close, but I didn't have the time considering the setback, so I went directly to the airport. From there it seemed like smooth sailing for awhile. Parked the car, got booked for a flight (for $14), got on the plane and we departed.

...

Well, 35 minutes into the air, the captain comes across and tells us that we have to go BACK to BWI because of mechanical trouble. Wonderful. So we spend the 35 minutes backtracking to the airport to sit and wait on the ramp (no, we didn't deplane) while they ran some diagnostics. They got the problem figured out and so away we went again... late. During this leg of the flight, we encountered the worst turbulence I've experienced to date, and that made it a little interesting. Try sipping on some coke when it's in a glass filled to the brim with ice and you're getting tossed like on an amusement park ride. I didn't spill a drop, but it wasn't without a challenge. We ended up arriving at Lajes field in the Azore Isles about 2 hours late, where we had to exchange some passengers and pick up more fuel. From there it was another 5 or 6 hours en route to Mildenhall. So my pal picked me up.. we grabbed a bite to eat and then we were off for the beach. It's pleasant today for England... around 55-60, I'd say, so it was agreeable.

We're back now... and this leaves me at the present... too tired to continue. :)

Hasta
I'm leavin' on a jet plane. I don't know if I'll be back again...

Oh what a day
It was a big day indeed. I had trouble getting myself to bed. Once there, I ran into Steven online, so I ended up not sleeping very much. We always talk awhile. Anyway...

I was finally asleep roughly an hour before it was time to be up again. It was tough getting up, but I managed... and even made it to my testing site on time. I had to test for Technical Sergeant today, and I ensured I took care to not prepare at all for it. I spent time ensuring I *didn't* study. :) Most people might look at me weird for having that attitude. I'm a staff sergeant now and testing for tech sergeant at just 5 years in... that's pretty early... in fact, it's really the earliest possible. I was wearing Staff Sergeant at 3 and a half years - something that very few can claim. Most people expect me to stick around with the air force because I've had such a fast-burning start and have climbed halfway up the chain of enlisted ranks in my first enlistment. After such a successful start, it seems natural to want to stay with the organization that fostered such success... especially when you're so far ahead of the peers. Yeah... whatever.

Curiosity got the best of me, though... and as I was talking with another good buddy of mine I had to bust out a promotion calculator and figure out where I stand and what my chances are of making Tech. Sergeant. :) I'd have to say I have a pretty reasonable chance... even for not studying! I would laugh for a pretty long time if I ended up making it... since I have absolutely no intention of staying in. Would just be funny stuff, I think.

Speaking of intention to stay in.. I received my separation orders today and promptly went over to work to make copies... 20 of 'em. :) I'm gonna have to get Steven's address and mail him a copy... just to be cruel.

After returning from all of the morning's work, I intended to get started on college work for the week... and haven't yet gotten to it. I fell asleep once I got home and didn't wake for quite a few hours. It ruined my plans for the days off, but... I suppose it isn't too much trouble... but one of these days I really will have to get to it.

And one day soon.

Final Ramblings
If I may allude to yet another grim metaphor...

Think of Adolf now... in his bunker... in the last days of battle. There's a final bullet in that gun and one final choice to make. Does he turn it on the allies in a final push or deprive them the privilege of an honorable kill?

What would you do? You know what the Allies would do with you if you're captured alive. Plans have failed... great ideas have fallen victim to obstinance. No closer to grasping victory than days before, alas, farther away, I cannot say what I would do.

I won't be returning to these ramblings. Be it enough to say we're amidst the final days of an unseen battle. It will come and pass without any certain rabble or clamor... no one will know a battle even took place.

Big day today... I'm off to sleep.

Additional ramblings
... he rose from the ashes of agony and rage burned as fire within his pupils. Taking firm grasp of his mighty staves, his legs thrust him towards the fray. In his wake we found our destiny...

It's the simple things, the small and obscure. The 2 of diamonds and the 8 of clubs... that which you wouldn't consider significant. A plastic bag... a thread of cotton... a single crutch. The seed is sewn, but will it germinate in time for us to enjoy the fruit? Will the season's end bring death upon our vine? Is there time? Is this *the* time?

The ramblings aren't meant to be understood - only written. It's early, yet it's late. It's March 27, 2005 and I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be typing.

March 27th... the date used to be significant to me, but I can no longer remember why.

I've fallen well behind again with my studies, and I can't seem to stay purposed to remedy this. It's recently fallen quite a distance on my personal listing of priorities. Other work is afoot. Perhaps eventually... eventually I can clear out other things.

There's certainly enough to be cleared. I have much to do with reference to my career. Separation orders should be available to me early next week. This is incredibly exciting, and it sets my heart to singing. I have the checklist of things I must do before I leave the Air Force, and plenty of time with which to complete it. I'll begin pressing forward with these items soon. As it is, ending an Air Force career at age 24 requires that some other employment be found to sustain life. This composes another portion of the tasks I must complete. I have yet to compose a resume, even as I intend to apply to the FAA in the next two weeks. I finished another certification this week, but have more yet to do. I still have that simulator project to think about and my professors aren't going to wait forever for me to catch up. My jetta sustained light damage this past week as a colleague was being careful of children playing on the opposite side of his truck while backing into it. This didn't upset me any great deal as he has agreed to make compensation for the damages made, but it is one more thing to spend time on.

I'm finally taking my leave. From around April 18 to about May 12, I will not be here. Neither will I be in Pennsylvania. I've chosen quite a different course of action. It's an opportunity I've looked forward to for awhile now, something that was set in motion awhile ago. I do regret having such an amount of leave and not spending it with family and friends in PA, but this is a decision I've made and am going to go through with it while I'm still able. In the future, this will not be possible.

No, I'm not returning to North Dakota.

Ironically, I met a woman from North Dakota here this past week. Her name was Jill. She seemed a nice girl, somewhat attractive, even, but I didn't speak with her for long. I got that she moved from North Dakota to North Carolina with an ex-husband who must have been military... then was divorced. She had two children, I think. I ponder the possible parallels between she and I. I wish I would have spoken with her a bit longer, and not for any romantic interest. There's little I can do about that now.

I met a few new persons this last week, actually... I broke from my tradition of staying home and actually went out with some friends on my days off. It was pretty refreshing being out and about with friends again. And the new folks I ran into were so personable that it was exceedingly enjoyable. One was a girl named Lindsay who happens to be a good friend of another aquaintance of mine, Lauren. Lauren's the significant other of someone I work with. She's originally from Equador... moved to Orlando and ended up in... Goldsboro, NC. I'm not exactly sure how one lets such a transition take place, but Lauren's proof that such tragic things do happen. (Truth be known, she's told me twice now how she ended up in Goldsboro. :) ) Lindsay's from Iowa, which is a more understandable, yet still strange transition. If I ever see her again, I'll be sure to make fun of Iowa. She's here because of school, I'm pretty sure. Taking classes at Wayne college... or maybe it was Mount Olive... curse the memory. I also had the opportunity to run into a couple other people I'd only met once before. Ryan was one who I remembered on sight. The last time I'd seen him he did some Jonny Cash Karaoke.. and sounded really good! He blessed us with a similar performance. He really does it well. He works on the base somewhere I'm pretty sure, but I've since forgotten that, too. I can't believe I can't remember these details... I wasn't drinking much... I also met Ray again, and I can't remember where I met him before or anything about him... but I know I met him before.

Of them all... I think I'd most like to run into Lindsay again. She seemed somewhat of a kindred spirit. I think conversations with her have the greatest potential to go somewhere... intelligent. :)

A separate matter altogether were Ellen and Laura. They were interesting. They were certainly more political than I'm used to, and didn't seem to express much favor in the reigning president. :) Laura and Ellen are friends of another colleague of mine - Lynn - and were here to visit her. Being that Lynn and myself hang out and have a few drinks every once in awhile, I had the chance to meet them while they were here. We (Laura and myself... Ellen was a bit less vocal as to politics) got into a brief discussion at one of the bars we went to about some politically-charged topic, and it was obvious nearly at the outset I was facing a difficult battle if I were going to make an attempt at justifying my own views, so I resorted to the ol' "Nod your head and smile" routine. She did make good points and I can see where her views are rooted... I just don't totally agree with them. :) They were, however, both pretty cool people. So cool, in fact, that Ellen volunteered herself to spoon with Quentin and myself so we wouldn't have to spoon with each other alone... 'cuz that would have just been a little too weird! I certainly enjoyed their company. I wouldn't at all mind running into them again, either.
(Quentin's another guy I work with. Since we'd had drinks at Lynn's, nobody was going anywhere. Limited sleeping space kinda dictated that Quentin and I would be... extra close. :) Now, I dig Quentin, but... Thank you so much, Ellen!)

April 6th... That date is much closer than I care to admit. This is the established date of my next... the final... DNA draw for paternity determination. This test should render for us a conclusive result that will prevent the pendulum from coming to rest where it has no business resting. We, definitely, will see.

Well.. I've written for long enough. I have an early tee time today... and need to be waking up in just another couple hours for it. I haven't put to words everything that's rolling about upstairs, but I feel a bit better in recording everything that's happened of late. It's my suspicion I'll be back again soon...

Until then, suspense will reign. :)

Ramblings of Deranged Genius
Adolf Hitler's Third Reich was developing new weapons of astounding technological design and incredible power on the eve of Europe's liberation, but was defeated before the Nazi's could employ them. It was within the illusion of defeat that the idea of the trojan horse was born. Even the mighty Durandal mused about the irony of discovering a savior at an hour too late to be saved.

Time flows like a river. History repeats.

So it was that Durandal sent his slave deep into the ruins of the ancient S'pht to study their tomes and journals. They lost their war against with the Pf'hor, but it was possible they found something to turn the tide of enslavement in the final days leading up to their fall. How many times in war has the losing side stumbled upon a tactic or technology that would have won them victory had they not discovered it sooner? Historians nearly unanimously agree that Hitler's super [conventional] weapons could have annihilated the allied forces of the day and could have bought him the time necessary to develop nuclear weaponry, had he only the time (and factories) to produce them. Troy fell only because of deception in the final days of a long war. It is only with the knowledge Durandal gained from his slave's exploits in the ruinis of Lh'won he was able to summon the forgotten eleventh clan of the S'pht and begin to push back against the Pf'hor, ultimately defeating the mighty slavers.

So it is at this late hour that the dawn of genius comes. I must act quickly that I should be a Greek rather than a Trojan.

The Worship driven life!
Now Playing: Straight to the Heart/Healing Rain/There is One... MWS via iTunes
"when I'm down, when my soul's in need of rest, come your words... of comfort and of hope!"

I have encountered very few words of comfort or hope of late, but then again, why would I? Living in the here and now of the world, a Child of God shouldn't expect to find the comfort they seek.

As a lone soldier would have little hope against an vast army arrayed on the hill opposite him, one may as well turn his weapon against himself rather than charge into life alone.

Alone? Who's alone? He who would walk without God. This is in and of itself a conscious decision, because God would walk with us by default. To move without Him, is to ask Him to stay away.

I dreadfully miss the past... and I have new insight into this. I used to think it was because I had good times with old friends. While this remains a good portion of the reason, the rest of it is this: God was in my past - He's peculiarly absent in my present. Admittedly not well?! I wonder why!! I do miss my friends... I miss my God, too. I miss worship.

Therein, all my "problems" are [easily] dispelled.

I've been thinking as a man. It's time to think as a child.

Foregone conclusion
I'm convinced sleep has eluded me this evening. This is the second consecutive night I've been up well past the time I should have resigned myself to sleep on account of catching up. I've been working really dilligently on that this week - trying to get myself back to a state where I don't feel completely overwhelmed from being behind. It's a slow process, but it just may be working.

That posting about the top... how it spins and weaves... it's very telling, actually. I've used other metaphors in previous posts to detail basically the same emotion. Maybe there was something inspirational or 'religion-oriented' at the end to add something positive to an otherwise grim post. That positive note wasn't me, for sure, but maybe one who lives in me.

I've been paralyzed. I've known it for some time, but have only alluded to it before. The top is not so much the rest of the world, but me. I continually return to the same things. I'm depressed one day, better the next and depressed again on the third for reasons not unlike the first. I have a great conflict within my soul, and I don't refer to the spiritual. It's so very draining.. everything has been draining. I'm not who I used to be; stress has changed me. Once I find true relief, perhaps that will be the key that unlocks me. Maybe then I'll find the freedom I used to love. Until then, I'm admittedly not well. I'm not coping well. For three years now, I haven't been well.

Yes, you've guess it. It's largely this child ordeal that should have been over on June 16th, 2004 but has persisted. It's stressed me beyond my resilience and become what I perceive to be highly damaging to myself both physically and psychologically. I don't think it's a permanent type of thing, but with Refuge's tardiness, it may yet become perpetual. The stresses associated with my problems are incessant... A couple close friends have noted it's probably self-imposed. This may very well be true, but I find no solace in their observations. As previously stated, this situation has been paralyzing to me - it's had the effect of locking me in 2002/2003, and I haven't yet found a way to get past this. This adds to the fire as I continually feel like I'm behind - trapped in a past I can neither escape nor change, unable to move on in my own personal life or make a fresh start here. I've spent most of my time the last two years struggling with this entire paternity scenario and attempting to imagine ways to circumvent it. There aren't any save due process, of course, and because that is proving to be long winded, it's of no consolation.

I can't remember things anymore. My critical thinking has been notably slowed. I'm tired from the instant I wake until the moment I fade from consciousness... I've lost motivation; I've lost ambition. The one thing I have gained is weight.

I'm afraid that if I end up being named as the father of this child that I will never be able to move forward from the place where I fell. I will forever be inseparably tied to that damned woman through another human being. A fresh start would be impossible... and returning to the ruins of a life that once held endless potential and promise via charred bridges, I would be begging heaven to be hit by a truck.

I've retained a lawyer to petition the court for a 3rd DNA test. I was forced to move to hire a lawyer to aid me because the child support office refused to accept my request for a verification test. Any logically thinking person (everyone I've spoken to about it) is absolutely aghast that, upon receiving one negative result and one positive result, they would move on to establish a support order against me. A 3rd test does not guarantee I'll be dismissed from child support - it may very well solidify that I am a father. Neither does retaining a lawyer to litigate on my behalf guarantee that the court will even order a third test. It's simply something I must do for my own "peace of mind" - in quotes because peace is something that vacated my head long ago. What result comes, comes.

School is moving along... whether I am or not. This is what I've been working to catch up on. It's a benefit - not only because I might be learning, but because it renders temporary relief. It's something else to think about besides my legal battle. On a downside, one of my classes is Aviation Law, which goes on at length about litigation and trials and all that kind of thing, so it isn't the best break from the real legal battle to be had... but it's still slightly different. I was about three weeks behind in the class before I really started trying to catch up this week. After 3 days of working really hard at it, I've managed to complete the first of the 3 weeks' assignments. That leaves today for me to finish the 2nd and this weeks' as well as this weeks' assignment in my other class, Marketing. I'm sure I'll be pushing deadline again. When I get up from this blog, I'll be showering for my 9 hour shift of air traffic. I'm only speculating, but I'm gonna *bet* I'll need a nap once I get home this afternoon. I only hope I'll be able to wake up in a reasonable amount of time. Curse all this schoolwork... It was easier last quarter. I don't have the time or energy anymore.

I was put in charge of the SIGNAL a couple months ago at work... it's a new-model (next generation ;) ) air traffic simulator. It's run on Windows XP instead of 3.11, so I guess most would consider that significant. I don't care - I hate all versions of Windows equally. The thing about my cool new post as head of the program is - I never got the required training. So I have to build 50+ air traffic training scenarios that I only have a slight clue how to build before... *last* Monday. Did I mention I wasn't even fully certified in the facility I'm creating training scenarios for?

I'd rather be playing World of Warcraft. Addicting... part of the reason I'm so far behind in school. Good news is I'm on a hiatus right now - have only been online once in the last week or so, and that was limited. That's always a welcome break, too, even if it's always longer than I plan. I have to make sure I stay away from it a bit longer. Can't let myself waste that much time.

285 days. That's about all I have left before parole. It may be time... to deal with that alarm clock...

Not the title
Now Playing: Nothing.
I removed this posting.

Thesis
Now Playing: So Far Away... by Staind
We're tops... Humanity is but a massive collection of them. That's all we are. We're these frail little things spinning precariously on our own little points - easily knocked off course by a simple breeze. We begin our lives in this spin - spinning and weaving our lives as we move on. As we begin, we spin quickly. As time passes, we gradually begin to turn more and more slowly.... and then when we can no longer produce the forces necessary, we collapse and the top's life is no more.

It's futility. You can spend a lifetime spinning about your life, creating and building... but when you've stopped spinning, it's over. What, then, can all the spinning you've accomplished do for you?

We do a lot of pointless, obsessive things as humans... even some of those things we believe are important in life really amount to nothing.

Our lives on earth are meaningless... and there isn't anything we can do as mortals do bring any meaning into it. We're born, we're going to die. All of the advances that humanity will see will amount to nothingness... because every last one of us will be dead at the end of the day. We can work really hard... and die. Marry... and die. Party hard and have fun... and die sooner. The election in November means nothing. The amount of money made in a lifetime means nothing... Our wars... really mean nothing.

I can't get over this overwhelming feeling that we do everything we do for naught... and we place infinite value on things that are really worthless. We spend limitless amounts of our very finite time on pointless endeavors.

... Why do people keep rebuilding when they know it's just going to be destroyed? Why do people cling to life when they know they can't live forever?

Your flesh is a rotting cage and this life is useless. Look beyond it.